Yesterday my GP confirmed the diagnosis of Fibromyalgia.
I was so disappointed. He had mentioned Fibro before as a possibility, but we had also talked about post-viral malaise and I had tried so hard to be optimistic. That in itself is unusual as I am normally a pessimist, as my younger son would tell you.
Being told I have Fibro has resurrected feelings of failure in me. I know that there is no need or reason for me to consider myself a failure, but I do. I don’t have to explain or justify those feelings but I will try to explain.
I have long-term anxiety and depression. That fact, in itself, causes me to feel like a hackneyed old cliche: middle-aged woman suffering with her nerves. However, it also makes me feel that I have failed my sons and my grandchildren. I know that there are times when my sons become more concerned about me and that makes me feel worse, as though I am a drain on them. Little Sis worries about me which increases the pressure I feel under. I know it’s lovely that people care, but it can also be rather onerous. Luckily, Little Sis understands that when something knocks me down I don’t usually want to talk for a while. That was definitely how I felt yesterday. I didn’t want to talk to anybody. Oh, I rang my mother to tell her about the diagnosis but, apart from my partner, I didn’t speak to anyone else about it. What I did do was put it as my status on Facebook. Usually I would pour scorn on someone who shares information of that sort on their status, but I wanted, or maybe needed, other people to know – I just didn’t want to talk to them. Being the awful mother that I am, I left it for my sons to find out by reading my status. Both of them knew it was a possibility and both had been showing signs of heightened concern, so obviously they needed to know, but I simply couldn’t muster what I needed to talk to them. Sorry, boys. I love you both dearly and I hate being the cause of any worry for you, but I needed to be selfish last night.I
I received lots of lovely supportive messages on Facebook which gave me a lovely warm feeling inside but I still felt really miserable.
When my GP first mentioned Fibromyalgia I did the usual thing of looking it up on the internet – but I soon gave that up! I knew that if I continued reading about it I was likely to talk myself into many of the symptoms. In any event, I know several people who have Fibro, and I knew I could ask them if I had any questions. However, now that I have received an actual diagnosis I need to find out more.
I have been reading about it this morning and have recognised some of the symptoms. Oh dear! It’s making it more difficult to believe that it’s not really fibro. I decided that it would probably help me if I wrote a diary about my Fibro Life and it might also help those closest to me to understand how things are for me.