Right up until my GP confirmed the diagnosis of Fibromyalgia last week I was looking upon the tiredness as temporary. Although, when he first mentioned Fibro as a possibility, I had looked on the internet to find out a bit about it, I very quickly decided that I didn’t want it to be that and so I wasn’t going to talk myself into the symptoms. That decision went deeper than I realised. I think making that decision had triggered something deep in my brain so that I simply assumed, then unknowingly believed, that the tiredness was temporary.
Now that I have been given the diagnosis my attitude to the tiredness has changed. This is it. This tiredness is it. This is chronic. Admitting that to myself feels like a life sentence. Oh, I know that Fibro won’t kill me, but it’s likely to be around until I die. Even if I don’t have it for the rest of my life, I shall have it for the foreseeable future. That means I have to find a way of living with it. A way of living with the almost continual tiredness.
I think Peter is already finding it difficult to cope with me being almost constantly tired and falling asleep at the drop of a hat. I know that he is worried about how I will cope with our trip to Antarctica and I can understand why he is.
When it comes to me coping with the tiredness, I have realised that, since my diagnosis, I am treating it differently and reacting to it differently. I am trying to pace myself so that I don’t become too tired, but then that it almost like ‘giving in’ and I don’t want to do that. However, if I don’t give in, the tiredness could become much worse and make me feel generally less well. I have become almost frightened of the tiredness.
And then there’s the pain…
Although the pain remains at a level where I can easily cope with it, it has spread over a wider area and become more persistent. It has also started in another area. It’s becoming scary. I don’t like pain: I don’t cope with it at all well. I don’t want to know about the pain. I don’t want other sufferers to tell me about it. Perhaps, as my head is so deeply buried in the sand when it comes to learning about pain, I won’t be able to hear what they say.