The Other Choice

Morocco. February 2012

Last time I said about having a choice to make and went on to write about Fibro Feet. Well, today I am writing about the other option that was in my mind at that time: Tinnitus.

I have had Tinnitus since my early 20s. I clearly remember the first time I recognised that I could have different sounds in each ear, at the same time. It was in the village of Smarden, in Kent, just as I was about to get out of the car. (Just a useless piece of information for you.)

Tinnitus has a been a feature of day-to-day living for most of my adult life. Occasionally it would be severe but then it would settle down again: annoying and sometimes rather too intrusive, but not actually causing any problems. However, since the onset of the Fibromyalgia, the tinnitus has worsened considerably. I’m not saying that the worsening is solely due to the Fibro as some of my medication mentions that Tinnitus can be a side effect, but I certainly believe that Fibro has contributed to the worsening of the condition. I am finding that, more and more, Tinnitus is interfering with my actual ability to hear and distinguish sounds. For quite a long time I have sometimes had to struggle to tell whether a noise is in the environment or just inside my head, but now I find that there are occasions when the noise in my head is so loud and intrusive that it obscures environmental sounds to some extent. The obscuration can range from very slight to almost complete. I don’t think it is affecting my ability to hear speech as that seems to be pretty good but, if FPR asks me is I can hear a certain sound, I can struggle to hear it. It’s not nice! And I don’t like it!

I know that many people with Tinnitus suffer far more than I. I am grateful that mine is not considerably worse and I feel deeply for the suffering that those people constantly live with. My complaint is not so much that I have Tinnitus, it’s that the effects of it are another thing about Fibro that eats away at my self esteem. Bits of me are being stolen by Fibro and other conditions that I have: my brain no longer works as efficiently as I have been used to, my ability to cope with stress is practically non-existent, my body doesn’t function as well and, now, my hearing is being impinged upon. It feels like I am losing being me, that I am being taken over by another being (Fibro). I don’t know but perhaps I am afraid that I will be so completely subsumed by Fibro that I won’t be me, I’ll just be Fibro living in my body.

I think that, probably, most people take their bodies and brains for granted. I certainly did. However, when that edifice starts to crumble, it can be a struggle to find who one is in the rubble. I am still searching.